On To Moscow

Over & Under

ontomoscow — Sun, 30 May 2010 16:20:42 +0000

foggy headed & lost my perception of self.

I’m walking alone, no touch, no feeling, I am socially numb. Can I loose my mind somewhere else today?

& trying to resist the urge to “get ahead” on these weeks assignment load and just relax (without distraction) for once.

The Art of Escapism

ontomoscow — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 02:26:08 +0000

Brim

I’m brimming
I’m brewing
I’m breeding/I’m needing
(Depth) I’m seeking
Thoughts - Unfleeting

The life/The desire
A collision, a meeting

On the surface-weary of skimming
In the clear-though notions repeating

My heart-beating
My thoughts-speeding
I’m on incline, a life redefining
Au revoir idle state, so typically confining.

Escape Again

I feel complacent
I feel I’m pacing
To & Fro
An uninspired path in the middle of extraordinary and forgettable

This acceptance overrides me
I must escape which confines me

We resist it, we fight it
We always deny it
The norms define me
Much easier to comply

Oh, but how to seek a change?
To ignite a persistence for a difference?

I’ve been here before.
Just another circular completion of nothing.
I feel I’ve completed nothing.

So This is the New Year.

ontomoscow — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:36:44 +0000

Anyway,

Things to look forward to in 2010 include:

-Turning 21. Finally.
-Graduating UCF. Also, finally.
-Possible international destination, to where? I know not.
-Visiting North Carolina with R.
-Visiting Boston with R.
-Applying to Graduate schools.
-More as they cross my mind.

Of Montreal

ontomoscow — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 02:16:13 +0000

Returning from trips away from here leaves me not only with fond memories, but perhaps more powerfully, a new vision and perspective, and suddenly a list of seemingly natural goals for the next stages of life between one destination and the next.

Once More

ontomoscow — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:44:10 +0000

I have examined, through living again and again in my life, that it is possible, only to suppress feelings of dissatisfaction and restlessness, for brief spots of time. These feelings, however, always begin to resonate again. The way in which it goes: weeks or months, feeling okay, quite alright, not bad, living day-to-day or week to week, planning the short term and focusing on the positive things (obtainable within the foreseeable future), inevitability (but unexpectedly at the time) feelings of mild depression, realization that you’re not actually doing anything of importance, that the people and places you know do not fulfill you in a purer way, everything seems fabricated, forced and artificial. Feelings of foolishness for being falsely content and an ever increasing desire to make a drastic change, to escape and avoid this cycle which plagues you once again. Each time I am stimulated by this cycle, like questions arise, such as: why am I still here? It seems the answer is simple, I am a student, earning a degree and from an in-state collage at that, it’s just financially responsible, that’s all. It doesn’t satisfy me now, nor did it ever, to think I am limited by my geographical location in pursuit of higher education. I’ll never know the world sitting in suburban Orlando, Fl. I am not apart of a global community from the confines of my classroom in central Florida. Perhaps, though, if patience is truly a virtue, as they say, then the more inclined I am to “wait it out” and just settle down, I will reap the rewards of my efforts when I graduate. I am disinclined, however, to really believe that notion, which does nothing more than temporarily tame my perpetual feelings of restlessness. I have learned enough here, I am desperate to escape, not on a whim, not because I’m quite impulsive, but because I need to in order to live a life worth living. The life I am currently leading is not one to remember.

This needs to be continued, however my inspiration was broken with a phone call and could not be rectified in such short notice.

Inescapable

ontomoscow — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:33:08 +0000

I always knew that it was going to happen. So why bother in the first place? I’m not even sure myself at this point, though surely there was a reason to begin, and certainly no regret. This is going to be far harder than I imagined, considering at least a portion of my feelings I will no doubt have to mask and diminish to seem less intense than they are. You lead me closer, encouraged me to feel, to express and to love without inhibitions. All along though, it was you who was holding back, and I am left mid-air.

Yes, this is going to be quite hard indeed.

Ellie Goulding – Guns And Horses

ontomoscow — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:56:48 +0000

You’re so quiet
But it doesn’t phase me
You’re on time
You move so fast, makes me feel lazy

And let’s join forces
We’ve got our guns and horses
I know you’ve been burned by every fire is a lesson learned

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You’re so worth it, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you’d feel the same
I’d do it all for you
I would

Let’s tie words
‘Cause they amount to nothing
Play it down
Pretend you can’t take what you’ve found
But you found me
On a screen you sit permanently

I left my house
I left my clothes
Door wide open
Never knowing
You’re so worthy, you are

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you’d feel the same
I’d do it all for you
I would

It’s time to come clean
And make sense of everything
It’s time that we found out who we are
Cause when I’m standing here in the dark
I see your face in every star

But I wish I could feel all it for you
I wish I could be it all for you
If I could erase the pain
And maybe you’d feel the same
I’d do it all for you
I would
I’d do it all for you, I would

19 August 2009/(19 September 2009)

ontomoscow — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:25:47 +0000

When you are near
I am unaware-
And all that is founded
On everything compounded
As it was no longer there.

Though love surrounded
The truth, you never speak.
We rely on inferences,
Multiply by differences
Your words are my defeat.

Discussing touch and senses
My mind you re inspire.
And all that was founded
On the memories I drowned in
Emerge again from the one that I admire.

FOCUS

ontomoscow — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:35:34 +0000

I CAN’T FOCUS ON ANYTHING ANYMORE. HOLD MY ATTENTION PLEASE.

Apres Moi

ontomoscow — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 18:23:33 +0000

You are the deluge
You are the one I cannot refuse
You are the game I always loose

And you don’t care.
You are the oxygen in the air
You are the reason that I dare

You are the sea.
You are after me.
and you are after me.

You are the rain.
You are the reason I feel pain,
and I will never be the same-
And you don’t care.

You are the deluge.
You are the love that I choose.

I am the drought.
I am the other extreme.
I am what you cannot be.
What you will not be without.
You are after me.

I wrote this in December of 2007 while doing dishes at work, the words came so quickly that I wrote them on the back of a Christmas card envelope and just rediscovered it. Voila.

-ac